I Have Loved You

My mind wanders once again. I’m thinking about the old times and how does thing continues to exist at the moment no matter how you stop it, wanting it to change and praying it to be gone forever. For me, it’s an expression made to convey an attempt to escape the reality I am about to face someday. And that begins that day.

I’m a goofy, independent and has some kind of trust issues. I do not trust anyone else. There is in me the spirit of being individualistic and independent- to stand up with or without them. They might just do some things so why the hell would I invest too much of it? Actually and unconsciously, I’ve already did. It’s some kind of risky thing to do. I think of love as a by product of fantasies and hidden desires. Perhaps, it is an imagination of wanting to compensate other unspecified emotions you feel for others or yourself. That’s for me to say. And that thought has broaden for some times since I started learning things about psychology. I have seen many relationships that survived and failed. Maybe it has something to do with how I view that thing.

But there are things that you cannot control, or by instance, you mistakenly fool yourself to withdraw from the agony you will eventually feel later. However, things will go on in an unexpected way. You’ll end up realizing how foolish you are for making things happen after countless times of suppression and denial. I am deceived by now as I was deceived years ago. I am deceived by my own capability of deceiving oneself. I wanted to say things but my mouth cannot simply utter those words. There’s a lot of doubts, fears, misconceptions and other imperfections. May it be my in my part or not- there’s just a plenty of things to work on. I want to end things the way I wanted to but can no longer let go of it. It’s already here and it’s something I need to accept.

Either way, I have to turn back the table and look at the new perspective. There is torturing no more, and none of these idiotic egos will have to surpass the taste of reality at the moment. Embrace the happiness as long as it lasts. Think of tomorrow as if it is the end. It’s a choice I made and have made ever since.

Now I would say, I have loved you. And forgive me for having no courage to say so.

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